Good Excuse, Bad Excuse

When it comes to things that we are obligated to do, we have a list of good excuses and bad excuses for not doing them. Kind of like when we talk about legitimate and illegitimate government in my political science classes. (What is a legitimate government? What is illegitimate? How come democracy is the only legitimate one?)

GOOD EXCUSES TO MISS THINGS

Projectile vomiting
Family emergency
Your car deciding that it no longers wishes to live
That time I got parked in at my brother's frat house and popped my back tires on broken beer bottles trying to drive on the lawn to escape
Death deciding to come knocking

BAD EXCUSES TO MISS THINGS

Your dog ate your homework
You were up late watching Netflix
Anxiety
Depression

I feel like there are two things in the list of "Bad Excuses to Miss Things" that shouldn't be on there. (Hint: they're anxiety and depression.)

The other week I got a bid for the music honourary, Sigma Alpha Iota. This was my second time getting a bid from them and I wanted to know more about it, so I talked with the former president and my next door neighbour from freshman year, Katie.

She told me the basics about being an SAI brother, how much of a time commitment it would be, how much the dues would cost, if I had to take a little, all that good stuff. I was very excited because this was something that I wanted last year and I wanted it this year, too. But I had some stipulations.

1. I'm president of the mental health advocacy group on campus, Active Minds.
2. I'm a Resident Assistant.
3. I'm deeply involved in Chapel.
4. I'm in a sorority.
5. I spend a lot of extra time taking care of myself because that's how living with GAD works.

All of the time commitment issues were solved. I drew a little pyramid of "Beckett's Heirarchy of Extra-Curriculars" as a mental map.

Then I looked squarely at Katie and said, "I want you to understand that sometimes I won't be able to go to events. And it's not because I don't want to go, it's because I can't go. It's because I'll be too afraid to leave my apartment or because I had a bad day and had problems getting out of bed, or because something minor happened that sent me spiralling out of control and I had to take an hour long shower and cry on the floor for a while. I need you to understand that."

I did not expect her to understand it. Most people don't. The other week while working on my senior thesis, I was missing a paper clip and it sent me spiralling into a panic attack in the middle of the library and I was on the floor for a good twenty minutes, holding my knees and trying to breathe.

There are people that do not understand that this is real and that it's hard to get out of bed when the whole world is scary, that sometimes you just need to lock yourself in your apartment and listen to loud music until you can cope with your own mind.

But Katie looked straight back at me and said, "As long as you send me email that says that you're too anxious to come, you're excused. Don't worry about it."

There are some organisations that I'm involved in where this isn't the case. And it's not that people are mean, or they're terrible people or they secretly have a vendetta against mental illness.

It's that they don't understand what it's like to be afraid to leave your room and miss an important event because you thought that you were internally drowning.

I'm working on a way to make this different. What I know right now is that it needs to be talked about, and that's why I have this blog. I get to talk about my own anxiety and how I deal with it, how I have good days and bad days and in between days that I'm not sure what to do with, and somehow it all rolls together in how I'm moving forward with my life to get where I want to go, not where my anxiety wants to go. And hopefully people like you read it and can relate, and if you can't relate, you can try to understand that life isn't a simple thing, that getting out of bed and deciding what to wear is sometimes a huge ordeal and it's exhausting.

I wasn't able to join SAI. My bank account was too poor. I plucked up the courage today to tell Katie that I really wanted to join but I didn't have enough money, but she just gave me a hug and told me not to worry. I have a love/hate relationship with that phrase, and I probably always will.

I have a network here at my small school, a network of people that I work with that understand what it's like and get it when I send a text that says, "I can't do this right now" and it's accepted without comment, except maybe a "let me know how you're doing".

In order to feel in control, I've gotten good at making lists. Right now I'm making a list of reasons why I need to go to the Centre of Student Opportunity to talk to a nice woman named Laurie about how I want to move to England to blog professionally. It currently looks like this.

1. ENGLAND !##%!#%%$#^!!!!
2. Laurie is nice. She will not hurt you. Repeat. She. Will. Not. Hurt. You.
3. You have a professional blog to show her.
4. SHE CAN HELP YOU IF YOU LET HER.

These all look like good excuses to go the career office to me.